I am the only daughter in my family with three brothers. Born in an Urdu speaking family I have learnt ethics in the purest form to say that we in our family, among other things, have utmost respect for our elders. In this entire ethical scenario, the regrettable part in my point of view is that these ethics and traditional values preclude us—children—from expressing ourselves completely before our elders. To be able to keep limits, we search for the most appropriate words before we speak out. As a result, I feel I have distanced myself from my parents. Now I find it extremely difficult to express myself before them, tell them my problems, my wishes and my desires. On top of that, I do not have a sister and really get frustrated at times for not being able to talk to anyone. What should I do?

First of all, let me assure you that you are not the only one who is facing this problem. There are other people as well who even after having their own children, find it hard to discuss a lot of things with their parents.

I am of the opinion that at times over emphasis on certain family values can render the relationship weak or even entirely superficial. I am most certainly not suggesting that respect for elders is not a desirable value; rather I believe that everything has to be looked at in its proper perspective without destroying the nature of relationships.

I however have the following suggestions for you.

 Think of the most appropriate time when you feel that your mother might be totally free for five to ten minutes. Go to her and ask her that you would like to discuss something with her in private. When you have her attention, tell her that there are times when you face some problems and feel like talking to somebody but cannot find anybody to talk to. Being kind to you, she will definitely lend you an earnest ear. Then you can talk about any particular issue that you are facing.

It will perhaps be extremely difficult for you to do this for the first time but try to pick up courage by thinking about the fact that you are not doing anything morally or ethically wrong.

I am positive that it is not that your parents are not prepared to listen to and help you with your personal problems. It is this ultra feeling of respect that has prevented you from approaching them. There is nothing abnormal about that—so you should not make yourself feel worse. Just try to reach out to them as I have suggested and pray to Allah as well while you try this. Have faith in Allah. He will indeed help you because you are neither being disrespectful to your parents nor is it your intention to do anything prohibited by Allah, the Almighty.