If we minutely observe our universe, it becomes evident
that the Almighty has created almost everything in pairs. Both members of a pair
complement one another and there exists a tremendous amount of affinity between
the two. The poise and balance necessary to create harmony and concordance in
this relationship is very delicate, and a slight divergence can damage it beyond
restoration. One of the members plays an active and dominant role and the other
a passive and acquiescent one. In case, a piece of paper does not submit to the
initiative taken by the pen, no writing can come into existence. If the pen
smoothly slides across the sheet of paper, it can produce a masterpiece, and if
it harshly scrapes on it, it will only tear it apart.
Man and woman, perhaps, are one of the perfect examples of
such `paired-creation'. When they interact with one another, it is in their own
well being that harmony and concordance result. But then what should be the
nature of this interaction? Should it be permanent in nature or only a temporary
association? What should be the norms of bringing this association into
existence? If the association be permanent in nature, how should a typical
family set-up be organized? In the following paragraphs, we shall attempt to
answer these questions in the light of the Quran and Sunnah.
As far as the first question is concerned, two aspects must
always remain in consideration.
Firstly, a person throughout his lifetime, has to remain
dependent on a number of relationships, and without these he cannot embark on
this tempestuous voyage. In the prime of his youth, he might consider himself to
be the king of the world but during his childhood and old age he needs the love
and affection of the near ones which must not cease with time. In both these
periods of life, he must be looked after by those who have warmth and compassion
for him. In other words, his life demands relationships which should be
permanent in nature so that his parents, children, brothers and sisters --- all
can play their role in his life.
Secondly, it is evident that in contrast with almost all
the animal forms, the relationship once formed between a man and woman has a
permanent impression in human memory. In all animals, the relationship between a
male and female species does not leave a lasting imprint in their minds. The
male species departs from the female soon after mating, while the female, once
she has brought up her young, resigns them to the whole world to start the cycle
all over again. The affection it has for its young and the fondness for the male
who fathers them is only temporary. With the passage of time, this attachment is
obliterated from her mind. However, in case of human beings, this attachment is
so strong that it is even felt at the level of grand and great grand parents.
Common sense demands that just as there is a permanent base in human memory
regarding these relationships, the actual relationships also be permanent.
Keeping in view both these aspects, Islam lays its social
structure on the basis of a permanent relationship between a man and a woman.
This relationship comes into existence in the form of an everlasting marriage
bond. Consequently, to preserve this marital relationship, it forbids all forms
of temporary associations between a man and a woman.
In Islamic terminology, the union between a man and a woman
is solemnized by the marriage ceremony of nikah. Before dealing with the norms
of this association, one important point needs to be emphasized: Although the
consent of a man and a woman is enough for the union to take place, yet since
this union is a not just a union between a man and a woman, it is, also, a union
between the families of the two, the consent of their parents, in general
circumstances, is highly recommended by Islam. Similarly, it is highly advisable
that the two families be similar in their social background and setting. Of
Course! if the basis of this wedlock is some higher objective or some noble
cause, a man and a woman have all the right to go ahead.
According to the Shariah, there are two essential norms of
Firstly, a man is required to pay a certain mutually agreed
sum to his bride before the nikah ceremony. In legal parlance, it is called Mehr
(dower). The Quran asserts that the amount of Mehr should be fixed keeping in
view the social customs and traditions of a society.
The basic philosophy of Mehr must be clearly understood since the payment of
Mehr these days has become a ridiculous affair. Islam has entrusted the husband
with the responsibility of supporting his wife and children as will be explained
later. It is he who must earn to fulfil the requirements of the family. The Mehr
money, is only a token of this responsibility. In other words, when a man pays
this sum, he makes a symbolic expression of the fact that he has taken the
financial responsibility of the woman he intends taking as his wife.
Consequently, it is in the spirit of this commitment that he pay the agreed sum
before he takes home the bride.
Secondly, Islam requires that the association be publicly
proclaimed, since this association is a declaration of a life long relationship
of purity between a man and a woman. In other words, the formal consent of the
bride that she has agreed to accept someone as her husband must be openly
announced so that the society is aware of this union.
These are the only two essential requirements which must be
fulfilled to solemnize a marriage.
As far as the question of organization of a typical family
set-up is concerned, it is evident that just like a state needs a ruler, a
family needs someone to head it. According to the Quran, a man, owing to two
reasons is the appropriate choice to head a family:
"Men are the guardians of women because Allah has given
one superiority over the other and because they [--- men ---] support them from
their means." (4:34)
The first reason for this choice is that men are naturally
more suited for this task. Their
physical strength and mental disposition make them more appropriate of the two
to carry out this responsibility. The word qawwaam combines in it the concepts
of physical protection and moral responsibility. The verse, it should remain in
consideration, very clearly states that men's superiority to women is not
absolute; it is only relative and confined to certain spheres. There are other
spheres in which women are superior to men and as such must be acknowledged.
The second reason for this choice is that on a man rest the
responsibility of earning for his wife and children.
It is but natural for one who financially maintains and looks after the
individuals entrusted to him to spearhead them.
To promote harmony and well-being within the set-up of a
family, the Quran urges pious women to adopt two attitudes.
Firstly, they should adopt an attitude of submissiveness
and docility before their husbands. Just as law abiding citizens obey the rules
and regulations of the state they are a part, wives should follow the code of
conduct of the family set-up they constitute. Generally, all differences of
opinion should be resolved in an atmosphere of mutual trust and confidence. The
husband and wife should try to win over one another through love and affection
and convince each other through arguments and reasoning. A husband who tries to
impose his opinion on his wife is a long way from the art of governing a house,
and a wife who makes it a point to differ with her husband is a long way from
the art of dealing with him. However, whenever there arises a situation of
anarchy and disorder which threatens to disrupt the whole family set-up, the
wife, according to the Quran must adopt an attitude of submission and
Secondly, women should be very faithful to their husbands
as far as keeping secrets is concerned. The shortcomings of a husband's
personality need to be concealed. Women who hide the flaws and mistakes of their
husbands promote an atmosphere of mutual trust in the family and many a time are
able to reform them. Men, of course, should reciprocate in this attitude. The
"Consequently, pious women are obedient [to their husbands]
and keep their secrets for Allah also keeps secrets." (4:34)
In case a wife adopts a rebellious attitude with her
husband and challenges his guardianship, the Quran has laid down a complete
procedure to deal with this situation. It must remain clear that this procedure
must only be adopted in the extreme situation when a wife is guilty of
disrupting the discipline of the family set-up. Any difference of opinion or
altercation is not be resolved by this procedure. Disagreements and disputes
must be settled mutually. It is only when the wife stands up against the
authority of her husband should this procedure be employed. The Quran says:
"As for those from whom you fear rebellion, admonish them
[first] and [next] refuse to share their beds and [last] beat them. Then if they
obey you, take no further action against them." (4:34)
It is clear that a good time should elapse in each of the
stages mentioned in the verse. The husband should first of all admonish his wife
and convince her to give up her defiant behaviour. He should exercise all the
patience he can muster to urge and beseech her to change her stance. If after
repeated pleas and continuous admonition in a considerable span of time, the
wife continues to persist in her rebellious attitude, he has the authority to go
on to the second stage by severing marital contact with her. This detachment, it
is clear, is a form of reproval, and a very strong appeal to the wife to correct
herself. Again, this attitude should continue for a substantial period of time
so that the point is driven home. It is highly unlikely that most women would
persist in their arrogance after these two initial stages. Patience,
forbearance, and admonition would have conquered their hearts. However, even
after this stage, if a wife refuses to accept the authority of her husband, the
husband has the right to finally resort to gentle physical affliction. The
Prophet (sws) has directed the husbands to be very careful in this regard and
they must not wound or injure their wives. This physical chastisement is similar
to the one a teacher gives to a student under training. Just as an affectionate
mother has the authority of punishing her child, a husband has the authority of
punishing his wife. This authority, it is evident, has been invested in him to
preserve the family set-up and to protect it from anarchy and disorder.