The poise and
balance of a society heavily depends on the poise and balance of the attitudes
and tendencies of its people. Whenever human attitudes cross their natural
limits disorder and discord result. In particular, the stability of a society is
threatened with dire consequences if people vested with political or moral
authority misuse this sacred trust of Allah. A despotic ruler often faces
popular revolt; a tyrannical husband soon encounters a defiant wife; oppressive
parents inevitably groom rebellious children. It is necessary to curb this
tendency of power to corrupt in order to build a healthy and prosperous society.
The ongoing
debate on the extent of authority of parents over their children's choice to
marry is one such case in point. As always, two distinct opinions have emerged.
One of them is that a man or a woman is totally free in making his or her
decision about the choice of partner and has the right to overrule the opinion
of the parents or the guardian. The second is that the opinion of the parents is
in all cases binding and must necessarily be kept in consideration. Though a
particular case has initiated this debate, we believe that perhaps it would be
more fruitful to view the whole matter in principle in the light of the guidance
provided by the Qur’an and Sunnah and by the established principles of reason
and intellect.
A word here
about the nature of divine guidance seems appropriate. The basic aim of this
guidance is to reveal to mankind the ariston metron or the golden mean. This
golden mean is the summit of balance and the prime of poise in all the affairs
of life. It is evident from the nature of Qur’anic guidance that for most
matters man's intellect is enough to show him the way. However, this intellect
often falters in maintaining a balance. Extremes engender extremes and reactions
originate reactions unless, of course, the lighthouse of revelation guides the
armada of reason.
We shall now
attempt to explain the viewpoint of Islam on the issue under consideration. In
order to do so, it is necessary to understand two basic principles it has
established in this regard. Firstly, it regards the institution of family as the
basis of its social order. Secondly, it gives great importance to freedom in
decision making by the man and woman who intend to marry. It is its intense
desire that the institution of family and the freedom of choice in marriage be
given utmost consideration and only rare circumstances should allow an exception
to these principles. Both of them need some elaboration.
Islam regards
the institution of family as the basic unit of a society and stresses that it is
the need of every individual if his life is viewed as a whole. Man is basically
a weak and an insecure being. He has spiritual as well as material needs. Just
as he needs to develop a strong relationship with the Almighty to fulfil his
spiritual needs, he also needs to develop a strong relationship with his fellow
human beings to fulfil his material needs. Islam says that a man and a woman
must come together in a permanent bond of wedlock to create a family to fulfil
these material needs which may be physical, emotional and psychological. A man
and a woman taken separately, are incomplete in their existence. Both need each
other to fill the voids of their personalities. There are some responsibilities
which only a man can fulfil and others which only a woman can. Furthermore,
since these requirements are everlasting, any temporary relationship between a
man and a woman can never be truly fruitful. The Qur’an says that marriage is a
means of solace and comfort for a man and a woman:
And among His
signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell
in tranquillity with them and He has planted love and kindness between you.
(30:21)
Besides
providing peace and tranquillity to the spouses, the role a family set up plays
in fulfilling the needs of the individual born to a family is apparent to every
keen eye. He passes the first half of his life in transforming from a child to a
mature young man and the second half in transforming from a mature young man to
an old man. In the greater part of the first period, he needs the love and
affection of his parents. As an infant ‘ewling and puking in the nurse’s arms’,
his meek and helpless existence need the love and affection of a mother and a
father. It is only proper parental care which makes him feel secure and
confident. Since parents are the first seat of learning, the base they build in
moulding his character and in instructing him plays a vital role in the later
part of his life.
Grandparents
also have an all important role to play: They imbue their grandchildren with the
priceless wealth of wisdom and experience which helps them in traversing the
rugged terrain of life. Brothers and sisters also make important contributions
in developing his personality. The older ones are actually an extension of the
parental role while the younger ones create in him an initial awareness of
parenthood. Once a person reaches a mature age, certain other needs arise in him
which must be fulfilled. It is at this stage that a man and a woman need each
other to complement and complete one another. This relationship is the only
means of providing emotional fulfilment and satisfaction to the spouses, which
is the primary need that brings them together and they now also assume the role
of the progenitors of a new family to start the cycle once again. In the second
phase of life, an individual advances from the exuberant years of youth to enter
the folds of old age. It is now that he needs the love and protection of his
grown up children. In this state of ‘second childishness and mere oblivion’,
which is ‘sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything’, it is only the
set up of a family which can properly support him. Without such a support, old
age is the worst form of affliction. No one else except the children have a
strong attachment to their parents. It is this attachment which urges them to
return in some form the support and affection they had once received from their
parents.
Besides these
primary relationships, the secondary relationships like maternal aunts and
uncles and paternal aunts, cousin brothers and cousin sisters, nieces and
nephews perform in a wider perspective the same function as the primary ones.
The components of a family constitute a small community which if administered
properly by the head of the family makes the basic unit of a society healthy.
The
Encyclopaedia of Social Sciences while explaining the advantages of the set up
of a family says:
The nature and
development of the family have deep roots in the physiological conditions of
human mating, reproduction and education. The exceptional prolongation of
infancy as a state of helplessness and immaturity is one of the most instinctive
features of mankind generally. Through it the role of the parents as well as of
other relatives in nourishing, protecting and educating offspring is of the
utmost importance for the individual and for society. However fixed the
inherited traits and gifts of the individual may be, the child's necessary
social equipment is doubtless acquired only through a circumstantial and long
continued process of artificial training and adaptation. The family has been the
chief bearer and medium of this process, which also vitalises the relations
between the parents and in the wider sense between all the members of a blood
relationship, for they are connected from generation to generation by the
awareness of this social tradition. (vol 6, p 68)
The western
world, over the last fifty years, however seems lost and confused on the
importance of the institution of family. The feminist movement which began two
centuries ago is now culminating in the disruption of this age old institution.
The western world is bemoaning the loss of family values but perhaps it is just
too late.
Islam on the
other hand, as mentioned earlier, has always insisted that the institution of
family is the basic building block of the society and it is in the interest of
humanity to adhere to a family oriented society. Consequently, it has given a
number of directives for the protection and preservation of the family. We shall
mention some of these:
It says that a
man and woman must come together in a permanent bond of marriage and must not
indulge in extra-marital relationships since they dismember the institution of
family. It prescribes severe punishments for people who are guilty of adultery
and ostracises them from the society.
It lays down a
whole code of social etiquette and communal conduct to safeguard and protect
chastity and modesty which themselves are necessary for the well-being of a
family set up.
It regards the
husband as head of the family because his temperament and disposition are more
suited for this task.
It is of the
view that all differences of opinion between the husband and wife should
generally be resolved in an atmosphere of mutual trust and confidence. However,
if a situation of anarchy and disorder arises which threatens to disrupt the
whole family set-up, the wife must adopt an attitude of submission and
adjustment.
It invests the
husband with certain powers to deal with a wife who adopts a rebellious attitude
with him and stands up against his authority, just as an affectionate mother has
the authority to admonish her children to correct them.
It holds the
parents responsible for the proper upbringing of their children.
It urges the
children to be very kind and compassionate to their parents, especially in old
age.
It wants the
mothers to regard the house as the centre of their activities (which of course
does not mean that they cannot go out) so that they can give due attention to
the future generations and are able to provide their husbands with solace and
comfort.
It says that
if ever a divorce is to end a family set up, a certain prescribed procedure
should be followed in letter and spirit since this procedure ensures that the
dissolution of marriage passes through an interim phase in which the decision
has ample time to be reconsidered.
It maintains
that if a divorced woman intends to start a new family, her former husband or
his relatives must in no way obstruct her.
Among these
directives also comes the Prophet's hadith the interpretation of which has
become the centre of controversy these days:
A Nikah does
not solemnise unless it takes place through the guardian and if someone does not
have a guardian the ruler of the Muslims is his guardian. (Tirmizi Kitab-un-
nikah)
This hadith
is actually a corollary of the social directives of Islam pertaining to the
institution of family and is based on great wisdom. Since the preservation and
protection of the family set up is of paramount importance to Islam, it is but
natural that each marriage take place through the consent of the parents who are
the foremost guardians. It is obvious that a marriage solemnised through the
consent of the parents shields and shelters the newly formed family. For reasons
stated earlier, it is essential that the newly formed family be part of another
larger family.
However, as is
evident from the hadi$th also, there can always be an exception to this general
principle. If a man and a woman feel that the rejection on the part of the
parents has no sound reasoning behind it or that the parents, owing to some
reason, are not appreciating the grounds of this union, they have all the right
to take this matter to the courts of justice. It is now up to the court to
analyse and evaluate the whole affair. If it is satisfied with the stance of the
man and woman, it can give a green signal to them. In this case, as is apparent
from the hadi$th, the state shall be considered the guardian of the couple. On
the other hand, if the court is of the view that the stand of the parents is
valid, it can stop the concerned parties from engaging in wedlock. Similarly, if
a case is brought before the judicial forums in which the marriage has taken
place without the consent of the parents, it is up to the court to decide the
fate of such a liaison. If it is not satisfied with the grounds of this union,
it can order for their separation and if it is satisfied, it can endorse the
decision taken by the couple.
This is the
law as far as this issue is concerned. However, it is evident that laws mostly
cater for extreme situations as their nature is preventive not reformatory. In
other words, they prevent the spreading of anarchy and disorder in a society but
have no role in positively building a society on a certain ideology. It is the
utmost goal of Islam to build a society in which traditions are so deeply rooted
that various affairs are settled and resolved within the social structure
without taking them to the courts. Family affairs, if taken to the courts,
become the talk of the town and severely damage the standing and reputation of
the parties involved. Consequently, it is in the interest of the parties
involved to settle their differences mutually by giving due importance to the
ultimate goal of protecting the institution of family.
The society
which, we believe, Islam wants to built is one in which the relationship between
parents and children is based on such norms and values as protect the family set
up. In such a society, if an individual has to select a life partner for himself
or herself, he or she must make the utmost effort to convince the parents. In
differences of opinion it seems proper that the individual accommodate the
opinion of the parents as far as possible, and only in extraordinary
circumstances should he persist in his decision. An individual no doubt has
total freedom in decision making in this regard but he should give top priority
to the protection of the institution of family. This freedom is so absolute that
Islam disapproves of parents who forcibly marry their sons and daughters and
makes it clear that it is the concerned man and woman who have the final say in
this regard:
A girl once
came to ‘A’isha and said ‘My father has married me to his nephew to alleviate
his poverty through me. I dislike him.’ ‘A’isha replied ‘Wait here until the
Prophet comes.’ The Prophet arrived shortly and she informed him of the matter.
At this, the Prophet sent for her father. When he arrived the Prophet gave the
girl the choice to do whatever she liked. She said: ‘I accept my father's
decision. I only wanted to know whether a girl has authority in this regard or
not’. (Nisai, Kitab-un-nikah)
If in a
society envisaged by Islam it is important that an individual give due regard to
the opinion of the parents in marriage, it is even more important that the
parents be extra cautious in this matter since they hold moral authority over
their children. Misuse and abuse of such authority can produce grave
consequences. Parents must give deep consideration to the inclinations and
tendencies of their children in deciding their future in an affair as delicate
as marriage. They should understand that once their children become mentally
mature they must not impose their ideas on them. When an individual develops
into a grown up person he deserves freedom of expression and freedom of action
within certain limits. This actually develops and strengthens his personality.
The vivacity of youth and the vigour of adolescence demand a certain amount of
independence, which if curtailed, only turns a dull child into a dunce and an
intelligent one into a ruffian. Adult children must be handled very tactfully.
They must be moulded and convinced, encouraged and exhorted. Parents must
realise that an adult child learns a lot through experience and exposure. The
blunders he will commit today make him wise tomorrow. Parents who forgive and
forgo win respect and regard and those who make it a point to punish the
children on every mistake committed make no positive impression in their minds.
Important decisions must always be discussed with children to breed confidence
and conviction in them. A decision as crucial as marriage is no exception. If
parents have a different view from their son’s or daughter’s, they must handle
the situation very carefully. They must calmly assess the situation, and must
also make a true evaluation of the grounds of such a proposition. They must also
estimate how far they can insist before the matter enters the zone of no return.
It is advisable that only in extreme circumstances should they deprive the
couple of their guardianship. They must also keep in consideration that if they
intend to back out from this position, the concerned man and woman have all the
right to present their case before the court to finally decide the matter. This
of course would either unite the two under the guardianship of the state or
endorse the view of the parents, in which case the two must submit to the
verdict of the court.
O
This we
believe is the stance of Islam on this issue. We hope that the pundits of the
society will find some time to consider this matter in the light of what has
been said above.
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